Behind the Buttons

They always make it seem so romantic. Like Romeo and Juliet, boy meets girl, they fall in love, boy leaves for military to prove to everyone he is a man and he can’t think of another way to take care of his family. Sometimes it’s parental pressure as well but not in my case. In my case it was boy meets girl, boy knocks girl up, boy runs away to join military leaving girl with 3 kids to take care of on her own, girl broken hearted, It took a long time for me to move on and get over those feelings of betrayal and in some cases I haven’t ever gotten over them. I guess that isn’t the part of all of it people want to talk about though is it? He constantly cheated on me during both pregnancies and ended up marrying his high school fling on his boot camp family weekend while I was to pregnant to be there.

My heart was broken and alone. I was 19, I was supposed to go to college, be a famous writer or theater actress. I never wanted to be a mother, that was not the life I wanted, I wanted to be free. Everyday I looked into those sweet faces of my 3 beautiful children I knew that they were my legacy and nothing else and they became my whole world and they mended my heart and filled my life with the happiness I had wanted all along.

I took on two jobs to support our kids and he transferred somewhere on the east coast with his new family he was starting. That would have been ok if things would have just stayed that way. Separate and minimal contact between any of us, he knew if he came back home that he had warrants waiting for him so I didn’t think it would be a problem. While we were together he had gotten a drug problem and became quite violent. There were multiple domestic violence charges, criminal property damage, and other things that I am so disgusted by I don’t even want to discuss it. Something changed though, it was no longer a completely ignore each other kind of life anymore. Things in Iraq were heating up and they had a troop surge to provide security to Baghdad and Al Anbar Province. President Bush had given a big speech about that he needed to deploy  20,000 more soldiers to Iraq and most would be army troops.

I didn’t know how to feel, or if it was even ok for me to ask if he was leaving. He told me himself through a message that he would be deploying and that he wanted me to send him pictures of the kids if I would. I didn’t know how to respond so I didn’t. I sent pictures and letters often until his wife never informed me of his changed address and all of them were sent back to me. I spent every day checking the casualty list’s seeing if his name was on there not sure how I would feel if it was. I watched the news every night wondering if I would see him or if that latest explosion he was in. The war on terror had only put terror into my life everyday and confusion on the feelings I was feeling.

I no longer had feelings for this man, but he was the father of my children. What if something did happen? How would I explain to my children that their daddy had been killed in a war that could have been avoided? I was so scared for him and them. 3,447 troops from his brigade alone were deployed and I had no idea how I would know if something happened to him or who would tell me. The more I checked online to keep an eye on how he was the more it drove me crazy and made me worry more. I started having nightmares and having minor panic attacks when the news would discuss the latest bombings just because I didn’t know if he was in in.

In February there were multiple car bombings killing thousands of people throughout the month.  In march the bombings continued and on the 6^th twelve soldiers were killed during one of the deadliest days since the start of the war. Things don’t improve over April and May and I keep just watching and waiting hoping to hear good news or that he is coming home soon so this torture of worry can be over. June fortunately was a slow month with no real news coming back from the Middle East. How long could this go on? The images coming back from over there were disturbing to say the least but I couldn’t imagine what he was going through. I was so scared for him and knew that despite everything I never would have wished this on him. I wish I would have told him that I forgave him or that I knew he did what he did because he thought it was what was best for us both.

The kids kept growing and I showed them a picture of their dad everyday so they wouldn’t forget him, even though my family objected due to the way he had treated us. They couldn’t understand I didn’t want my kids to not have to grow up without a father. I knew all the stories about how men sent home dogtags and medals rather than living and coming home themselves and I was not ok with him doing that to our children. They needed a father and I needed someone to help me parent. I never wanted to be a parent let alone parent 3 children alone and was so scared for all of us and what we were in for.

In October the British began pulling out their troops and reduce all the way down to 2,500 by the spring of 2008. November 7^th 2007 becomes the deadliest year for American troops in Iraq but all of our allies are pulling out. As thanksgiving passed and Christmas approached I began to feel hope that he would be home soon and all this torture would be over. As my babies now crawling and the oldest standing tried to pull ornaments off the tree and we read “Twas the night before Christmas” there was a knock on our door. I looked through the peep-hole but the snow was making it hard to see. I opened the door just a crack to see who it was, and he was there. Standing in his clean uniform, shivering from the cold, I invite him in with a wave of my hand, shock taking my ability to speak. He hugs the kids them giggling cause of the snow that has fallen off him and onto them. He stands and looks at me, still unable to speak. All I can do is walk up to him and put my arms around him for a hug and whisper, “Thank you, for coming home.” A single tear falling down my cheek but I was able to wipe away before he saw. He handed me present he had brought for the kids and left because his wife and their baby were in the car. With a final salute he was gone again.

No matter how they make it seem on the movies or on television shows, there is nothing romantic or fun about someone you love going to war. It has become such a glamorous thing by the government that you get to travel and get in shape and get plastic surgery for free but yet when it really comes down to it what about the psychological affects it has not only on the soldier but on the family as well all over the United states affecting more people than not then imagine all over the world all the families affected by these wars and attacks. All that pain resonating around us every day for what? What is it really all for and is it really all worth it, is there no other way than more pain and death to find a way to keep the world turning peacefully.

Don't Let Go

The sun sets on the city. As the rays of light slowly disappear, the demons creep back in to start feeding on my soul again. The pain is no longer what inconveniences me about the nightly ritual that has occurred since as long as I could remember, it was what happens if they destroy the only thing I have that makes me feel human anymore. I don’t know the exact moment the feeding started or why, just that my earliest memories are of me as a child and the demons creeping in my room and into my soul. Why me? What was it that started it all? Why can’t I remember? Will I ever have my answers or know why this has happened to me? No time to think about it now. Its time… Sundown.
                As the final light escapes off the edge of the world, questions begin whirling around in my head as I try to ignore what I feel going on in my chest. The pain is bearable but like when you have a sprain, you can still function but move the wrong way and you learn real quickly to not do it again until the pain is completely gone. I pulled my long black hair up into a knot on the top of head and began trying to find any way I could to keep the images out of my head. What if the sun was scared of the dark and that’s why it ran away every night because it knew what the night could hold? How could something that bright, and powerful run away and leave me on my own like that when every night I stayed there and accepted that it would never stop.
                There really was nothing special about me. Average height, average health, average weight, average everything. It was near impossible to pick me out of a crowd and I liked it that way. The only thing that made me noticeable at all was my hair. The length flirtatiously crawled down my back and stopped just above my average waistline. It had not always been that way. The first demon visited me as a child and I was not equipped for what was happening to me at such a young age. My innocent soul ripped apart and devoured never to be regained or even explored, just destroyed. The name I have come to know that demon as is Kai-Heel. He was the first to visit me, the first to begin 17 years of losing my humanity. Adrianna, “the nutrient source for evil”, at least it had a nice ring to it.
                Morning crept back in as the pain slowly subsided and my body became my own again. Somewhere during the feast I fell in and out of sleep. The sleep was restless though, filled with horrible visions of a world I hoped I would never see, never be a part of. The shower always called my name after a night like that. Some nights there would be rest, no feeding, no dreams, just peace. Others I was not sure if I would survive it. After my refreshing shower I had to get ready for work. The public library in Danvers, Massachusetts was not the most glamorous of jobs, but I had plenty of time to myself. No one was expected to talk to me except to ask for something. The idea of being alone made me happy. I liked being alone and never having to explain my habits or behaviors. Danvers was a small town and not many people could find it on a map, but it was full of beauty and wonder. It is also very close to Salem which attracts the tourists and keeps things interesting from time to time.
                As I wandered through the stacks of books on shelves reaching high above my head, the questions starting creeping up again. I asked them every day and most nights but had no answers. No idea on what started all this and why I could not remember anything from before that night. Apparently the questions had overtaken my reality and my book cart ran directly into the side of a man that was walking through the isles.

“I am so sorry, my head was someplace else. Are you alright? Can I do anything for you?”

The smile that crept across his face was warm and sweet. He answered, “Well you could start by telling me your name, and if I can take you to dinner tonight?”

I was taken back. This poor stranger was surely going to have a bruise from my cart, and I never was the one that got asked out. I had seen many guys use the library for someplace to be suave and romantic. It never worked. This felt different though, he, he felt different.

“I’m sorry the offer is appreciated but unnecessary. I hope you’re ok and let me know if I can get you’re an ice pack or something.”

That’s not what I wanted to say. I wanted to say yes. I wanted to scream yes. What was happening? Why was this one man breaking through everything I had built and lost over the years with just one smile, one offer of kindness? Despite myself I smiled at him. My face was almost in shock of itself as my lips turned upward for the first time in years. I walked away and went back about my daily tasks my eyes could not help but turn to see that sweet man I just encountered was still watching me, and still smiling. It was so deep and kind. Something I had never encountered. The kindness from his face distracted me yet again and I almost ran into another guest of our public library. Two innocent people ran down by me that could definitely cost me my job or at least a sobriety test. The man whom had so devoutly caught my attention laughed. It was heartfelt and deep. Deeper than anything I had ever known in my existence. I had to know more and why I was so drawn to him, but as I walked toward him, I saw the sun and was reminded of my nightly struggles to hold onto my humanity. The allure of his smile slowly faded and with it the desire to know what had happened in those few moments where the world seemed safe.

NEXT PART:

My shift at the library went by faster than usual as I contemplated this new stranger. As the last minutes winded down I became hopeful. Maybe he would come back tomorrow and I could see him. That enquiring smile that was so new to me crept onto my face as I walked out the door. The sun was still bright and the heat and warmth seemed to seep into my skin to try to heal whatever damage was done the night before but there was no repairing what they had done to me. That was a truth that I had accepted as a child shortly after all this started. I took my job at the library for the fact I would work only during the day and have unlimited resources to study and learn about my affliction but no matter what I read it did not seem to make sense to me. There were plenty of biblical and satanic guides explaining the background of a demon, possessions, exorcisms, etc. Here is where it gets tricky. An exorcism is very tricky and ninety percent of them are not real. I would basically be allowing myself to get locked up and giving myself no time to enjoy my days in the sun, where it is safe. I refused to give up my time in the light. It was the only thing that made me feel human still.

As I strolled home that warm smile of that man crept all through my mind and I felt his warmth stay with me. Whatever was happening, it was changing me. The sun began to set as I trudged through the front door. I pulled my long hair back up into the knot, as I started my nightly ritual. I drank some Jasmine tea, dropped lavender on my pillow to all help me to relax and sleep through what was coming. I changed into my favorite pink shorts and a tank top with a large catholic cross on it. It never worked at keeping the demons out but I at least felt I was giving them the finger as they were demolishing my holds on humanity. The light slowly slipped out of the room and as the sun went off the edge of the earth again, I laid back on my bed. One single tear fell with the last light escaped from sight. It begins again.

This time Kai-Heel was not the first one to arrive. It was a few demons that must have been new at this feeding on the souls of innocent thing. They were like a teenage boy trying to undo his first bra. Fumbling, ruining the mood for whoever else was involved. These three were a joke. After some of the visitors I had, this was almost an insult that they would be here being so reckless with such a precious gift. This was my humanity they were mishandling. Then as if I felt a fiery fist go through my chest Kai-heel was here. He began to tear through me with a new haste I had not seen before. He was determined to do something. Was it killing me? With that thought I tried to take my mind elsewhere to keep my humanity as long as I could. Unlike most people I couldn’t think about my family, I didn’t remember them, I had no friends, no pet, nothing. It was just me, on my own. Then as I closed my eyes to accept defeat and that I would not survive this, a warm face with a welcoming smile appeared to me. Whatever it was about this man, the weaker, rash demons were the first to run. They disappeared into the night, and as though being pulled out of me against his will Kai-Heel had his nails dug into me and desired so strongly to just finish what he had started. “Until tomorrow Adrianna, this will never stop until you are completely mine.” I was alone. The scraps of my soul still intact, and the warmth that I had just seen in a single smile warming me and comforting me. Who was that man? What had just happened to me?

I slept that night for the first time for as long as my memory spans without any nightmares. The room was warm and comfortable. Work was steadily approaching and the excitement I had now was beyond what I could control. For the first time ever I talked to people and tried to make connections with my co-workers. I figured that was what had helped me the night before, connections with people. Sandra, was 63 years old and had worked at the library since in had been re-built in 1958. She loved the library and the knowledge that was available to anyone willing to work to find it. It was amazing making this connection. She had always been there and I had never spoken to her. She was small and frail, yet had a strength to her I found promising. Her long gray hair was always pulled into a bun, and she had the small glasses that most stereotypical librarians were known to have. She was a widow with 3 children and 8 grandchildren. It was amazing sitting and hearing her story and soaking in the memories she shared with me. The way she lived her life and loved everything she had in it. My shift flew by unfortunately. The next thing I knew, it was closing and creeping towards sunset. I was extremely excited to get home and test my new theory of connections and see if that would chase off those creatures that had cost me so much all these years. Would they be ready this time? What would it do to them this time?

The night seemed less scary as it approached. I was prepared. I knew what I had to do and how to do it and the possibilities were endless on what could happen for me. As I dropped the lavender on my pillow I saw the light escape out the window. Before I could even lay down to prepare myself for the invasion I felt them coming at me at a new speed. The impact of Kai-Heel and his followers hitting me sent me flying against the wall. They ravaged my soul. The pain was a new kind, a desperate kind that they knew they were losing control. As the pain began to be too much and make my vision go blurry, I tried to hang on to the memories I had made with Sandra. Her face, her family, her strength, I imagined it all. The feeling from the night before of them being thrown from me was what kept me conscience. Unfortunately something was different, they didn’t leave me. They mocked me. The picture in my head of her sweet elderly face became twisted, monstrous, and I screamed at the sight of it. The pain went deeper, I could not hold it in any longer. The screams escaped my throat, the tears ran down my face, the hope I had found and longed for escaped out with ever tear that feel as they took so much from me that I did not know if I would know who I was when they finally finished. As I screamed and thrashed and tried to escape, I heard Kai-Heel,

 “You are mine. You will always be mine until I am finished with you. No other will love you, touch you, or save you. Do not fight this, or I will teach you a lesson for your insolence again.”

He was gone. He withdrew as he spoke those final words. The sunlight crept back in my room of my apartment and I prayed no one heard the noise I had made. That it was all in my head, but a knock on my door made me realize that it wasn’t. The tears still stained my face, my throat was sore from the screams that escaped. I opened my door to see that handsome stranger from the library there. He looked nearly as tired as me.

“Hi, my name is Alex. Are you ok? I am new to this…town. I am your neighbor and heard you screaming. I have been knocking for hours. I tried to break down the door but it was unmovable. I tried to call the police to come help but my phone would not work. Are you ok? What happened? Please can I help you?”

I was so scared and so weak that no matter what I tried to do to convince myself to send him away I couldn’t. I invited him in and we both sat on my bed and just looked at each other. I needed to know what was happening and who this man was. I needed to know if I could trust him or what he was. I went ahead and before getting started on that called into work saying that I was very sick and needed at least a day off. Sandra was very kind and wished me luck on feeling better. Even the sweetness in her voice was marred by the twisted face I had seen in the night. I quickly hung up the phone as I became afraid of the elderly librarian. I turned to my new guest and began to wonder where do I begin. The only thing I wanted was to see that smile again but as he looked at me. I saw concern, I saw fear for me, I saw feelings. I was still human. I knew this now from the fact that I felt something to. He could save me. He was the one that had saved me before. But how, and how can I have him do it again? Whatever it was I knew one thing was undeniable, this man was who I needed, who I wanted. He was my savior.

Part 3:

There was longing between us. A longing for answers and not sure where to begin or how to start talking about what we know was nothing we had talked about with anyone before.
“My name is Adrianna. I have…night terrors. They cause me to scream out sometimes. I am sorry for disturbing you. Would you like some tea or can I get anything for you? I feel awful for keeping you up all night, you know, like this.”

“So, you wouldn’t mind keeping me up all night another way?” Alex’s warm smile came back as I saw he was teasing me. I could feel that warmth inside my chest. As if his smile was putting something new there, some feeling I had never had before. He had the bluest eyes, and the sweetest face. There was nothing to hide with this face. He was taller than me, and sturdy. His face had stubble as though you could tell he had not shaved since the day he met me. I kept coming back to those eyes now. Worried, intense, caring beautiful eyes, it almost made me blush looking into them. “It’s ok, I was not trying to embarrass you, and I just was hoping to see you smile. That scared me I did not know what was happening to you or how to help.  Are you sure you’re ok? Is there anything I can get for you or do?”

The question startled me. I was not used to letting someone in let alone letting someone help me. I asked him to help make me some tea. He walked over towards the kitchen and I helped him figure out where everything was. As he started the tea, he looked over at me and I could tell that the reason the night before did not work was because I did not get close to him. What if I was wrong again and tried to fight them again. What would they do to me then? Alex came back over to me with tea. He handed it to me with a smile and unfortunately a question, “So where are you from?” I had always told everyone some story I had made up long ago. With him though, I could not lie. There was no way for me to bring myself to.

“Well I am from Virginia. I ran away when I was 6 and stayed in a convent until I was 18. I don’t remember anything from my childhood or when the de…night terrors, started. I just know that I was 6 and no one understood and I had to escape and try to get help. I went to the convent thinking the catholic religion would have some sort of saving grace for me. Some way they could show me what I need to do to make them stop. They just called me a liar and flogged me anytime I disturbed anyone during the night. I got beaten regularly and just learned that the best way God could help me was by telling me to keep my mouth shut about it. That there is no hope, for me at least.”

I knew as I spoke the last words that I had said too much. His face had a shock to it but not the kind I was expecting. He was angry, his blue eyes faltered. I could have sworn that his beautiful blue eyes turned dark. So dark they were the darkest blue I had ever seen. His smile was not there anymore. I was scared of what I said that had upset him so much.

“This is an outrage! Those people use God to punish people who are actually looking for help, guidance, and salvation! How is God supposed to be believed to be real or true if the people acting in his name are so evil? I am so sorry Adrianna that you ever had to endure anything like that. I wish someone would have been there for you to help you. To guide you through how to get rid of your…night terrors, as you call them. Where was your guide?!”

He was standing at this point and yelling. The warm feeling was still there but now was more of a fire then just a comfort. It burned inside me as if trying to melt everything inside me all the pain, the anger, the loneliness. My heart was all fluttery from the sudden sensation of high heat and my head began to spin, I started seeing spots, just flashes really all around me. I tried to look at Alex to see what was happening but all I could see of him was his blue eyes. They returned to their normal color, or maybe I imagined them changing, but they were the last thing I saw. I fell backwards, further and further, it felt as though my bed were at the bottom of the longest fall imaginable. I finally felt the bed around me, then darkness.

Part 4:

 I opened my eyes, all around me was gray, and dark. It was cold, the air was thick and hard to breathe. I started walking towards a door. The only thing I could make out in the blurry world around me. As the door became closer with every step I made the knob began to turn. I slowed my pace but continued to find out what was there and where I was. Suddenly the door flew open, a bright light blinded me from seeing anything or anyone. Someone ran into me as they were running from the room but I could not see who it was. I could not see what they had just done and were so scared of they would run away like that. I stepped in the room only to see a little girl. She was pretty but crying. She was scared and trembling. Her hair was matted and you could tell some of her hair had been pulled out in a struggle. My fingers reached out to try to touch her but as her brown eyes looked right through me I realized. It was me. Adrianna, age 6, first attack, “Who just attacked me?” I said aloud. The air became to heavy and as my lungs were crying out for more air I gasped, closed my eyes, and when I opened them I was back on my bed with…Alex.

“Hey you napped for quite a while you ok, kid?” he asked. I was taken back at being called a kid, and the fact that he had stayed there the whole time to make sure I was safe. As the room came more into focus the clock on my wall said 5:12 which meant I slept all day and nightfall was coming fast. I suddenly became very scared of the trouble that would be finding me soon. Out of sheer terror,

 “Um, Alex, I know we don’t know each other very well but I can’t be alone tonight. You are the closest thing to a friend I have and right now what could happen tonight scares me more than whatever bad you could do from staying. So will you please stay with me?”

The words just spilled out and by the time I was done inviting him I wanted to take it all back. He smiled as if he had just accomplished a life goal. His smile was not what I thought it would look like the first time I asked a guy to stay over. He was strong, and sure of himself. He knew exactly what he wanted and what he had to do to get it. But I was left wandering… What did he want? He helped me prepare for bed and I offered him to sleep next to me. Strangely, he politely refused and made a palate on the floor within good view of my bed but somewhat in the shadows of my room. If you did not know he was there, you would never know. He chuckled at my tank top, and hearing his laugh and looking into those blue-eyes made me think… this could work. I sat up talking to him about the library and books we both admired as the light left the room. We sat there looking out into the night and nothing happened. I laid back and decided maybe tonight was a night they were not going to show. As my defenses began to fall and I lay back to sleep I heard a noise. A new noise like scraping on the glass and the bricks of my building being clawed at, Alex, heard nothing. He slept as if he had no cares in the world. I sat up to see what was happening when I was forced back down on the bed. I tried to scream and call for help but this time they were smarter. Kai-heel had one of his minions bind my mouth so I could not scream. I could not make any noise, tonight was going to be my last. As the feeding began, I cried silently as my humanity slipped further and further away with every piece of me they took. As my first tear finally rolled down and reached the pillow I saw a bright light. I was sure I was dead now, but the light was coming from inside my studio apartment. There was hope. It wasn’t over.

Falling through Time and Blood

Have you ever just had a day that was perfect? Where the sky couldn’t be more beautiful the sun was the perfect temperature to make you feel safe and happy. I feel the heat on my face, the perfect green grass on my feet. There are wildflowers growing right around the edge of my cabin up to the stairs. It’s impossible to find a place this untouched and peaceful but I had found it and found a way to raise my family in a safe turmoil free environment. As I raise my face toward the sun just to take in the warmth and light that surrounded me. As I slowly begin to slip completely into relaxation of the nirvana I have created around me.

 I hear a strange sound coming towards me. Bum, bum, budada bum bum, several drums beat on, then some other instrument. Was I going crazy or did I hear music playing.  Then I hear gunshots. Strange gunshots, yelling, what is going on? I open my eyes and look deep in the woods in the direction of the noise and pray my family stays inside and hides. Who would know if June 25^th would really go down in history as the day a battle broke out on my land or if I was going to be taken to the spend the rest of my life in a straight jacket. Someone comes running towards me dressed in a blue jacket yelling for me to run, take cover.  Just as my eyes see the red coats coming out of the woods behind him I see a ball bouncing toward me. It looked like a strangely colored, perfectly round ball. “Why is it traveling so fast?” I thought, as my eyes became more focused in on the fast moving object that was closing in on me. Before I could run I felt the cold hard metal smash into my stomach sending me backwards off my feet and into the air. I felt the heat once again on my face but this time my feet and legs found only air. There was nothing to reach for or scream for. There was no air. No way to save myself from my inevitable demise that was closing in quickly as well as the ground and the pain I was feeling from the cannon balls blow.

Thud. That was the only sound my body made as it slammed into a wheel barrowand maybe and “oof” from the wind being knocked out of me. I couldn’t move, just lay there and look around, but all I see are bodies. There is an awful smell in there air making it hard not to move. The men in uniforms are laughing, smoking sweet cigars, and pointing to a stack of bodies, if they can be called that. More like frozen bones tightly wrapped in skin. Screams erupt somewhere behind me, people running, gun shots. Is it someone to save me? Are we safe now. I see a truck drive by with a big star on the back. Once the vehicle squeaks to a stop the soldiers begin ushering out the passengers in the back. Cold, crying women and children crawl out and one man badly shot in his knee. The soldiers will make an example out of him, but how? Where am I? How did I go from my beautiful field to this dark grey place? There is no grass. No sun, just cold. Ash floats in the air all around me making it hard to breathe, hard to think, to plan, to escape. The man was brought forth and tied to a nearby gate.

One man with a funny looking moustache, it seemed as though he may have taken off to much on the sides, started yelling in a language I didn’t know. Another solder came forward and began beating the poor, skin and bones man tied to the fence, with a shovel he had used earlier that day to, ironically, dig his own grave. After about 20 lashes, I lost count when I had to shut my eyes so I would not cry, they untied him from the fence and dragged his body over to where I was still playing dead. I feel my barrow start to move then a large weight put on top of me. They put the bloody beaten man on top of me, and I could feel his bones stabbing into me, the warmth of him draining out. They tip us up and as he slides down off of me I feel the heat as it returned to my face, was it all just a bad dream? Was I still at home?

 My eyes fly open as soon as the thought of home entered my mind but instead of my beautiful field and fresh grass all I see is ash. A huge fire coming from a large metal container is roaring. I see the man burning, I discover what that smell was, flesh. My eyes catch a sign that say Hannover but it was the last thing I saw I could feel my hair start to burn and sweat started rolling down and pooling by my lower back where the hot metal was against bare skin. I couldn’t think of any way to escape before I was tipped up even further and I feel the heaviness of my body sliding out  and down toward the inferno that only could be described as an opening to hell. As I began to slide down further I started to scream that I didn’t belong there but then my felt my feet touch ground.

The heat was gone again. I’m standing in sand, sinking, more like it. The sand slowly begins to swallow my feet and ankles the night sky over me offers a cool relief that quickly begins to turn cooler and colder as time ticks by. I hear someone screaming at me, but see no one. “Get away from there, run, grab onto something, just get out!” the shadow tells me. I want to listen but how can I listen to a shadow? I pull my foot up only to have the other sink deeper, the more I tried to free myself the worse I seemed to make things for myself. As the shadow approached, my exhausted eyes tried to focus in on a face, a uniform, anything to help me see how to identify if this shadow was my friend. As the uniform became more clear and I began to recognize some friendly colors I see a little black box in the sand. Before I can call out a warning to the mysterious shadow I see the wall of sand explode between us. I am showered in sand and debris and a warm red liquid that only makes me shut my eyes and scream for help. I feel everything raining down on me with nothing I can do. A slight crash right next to me got my attention enough I opened my eyes to see dog tags laying next to me. Upon reading the address I see where this young person was from and realize that the shadow was a Friend.

This person lost their life because they were trying to save me. I fought harder to push my way out, or dig until I figured out a way to make it. My friend’s accident had blown enough sand out of the pit that it was now the way for me to crawl out of my hole and toward the others I could hear. My friend had saved my life anyway. I grab the dog tags and slide into my pocket to make sure that when I get home I can give back to my shadow friend’s family.

 I stayed on my stomach and crawled across the desert like a snake, coarse sand tearing at my skin and getting into my clothes. The sounds of gun fire and explosions pull my ear and guide me towards the only civilization I can hope to find but I have no way of knowing what I will find when I get there. I pray its not the soldiers to take me back to the furnace. All I can do is hope is that whatever I find can help me find my way home. As I come over the hill I see a town before me. Not one I have ever seen before but there is sand everywhere, the houses are all dark its still night.

I did my best to stay down and quiet as I went to the town. All of the writing on the signs and houses were mixed between a language I could not understand and then I see some English writing that I could read. August 2^nd 1990, was what I saw on a table calendar on someone’s sun porch. Behind me I hear loud knocking on a door. I ducked down to hide and sneak around the house. Screams from inside erupt soon after the knock as two men are drug out into the street and shot execution style with no chance at all to even absolve their sins or say good bye to their wives who witness the whole thing. As more soldiers ran into more houses the same thing just kept happening at each one.

 Some of the men in unfamiliar uniforms with unfamiliar writing went back into the houses to shoot the women or worse. Children hid in the streets crying for their parents and so scared they don’t know what to do. I have to help. I don’t know what I will do to try to stop all of this but I have to do something. Explosions started going off around the houses and a tank quickly moves through the streets knocking everything out of its way including the children hiding for their lives. I started to run, to try to help them. While running down I felt the ground slipping out from underneath me. I lunged forward to grab for something other than sand to keep from falling into this sink hole that was developing right underneath me. I knew no one could help me they had to help themselves but I had nothing else I could do I was falling and as I fell I felt cold water surround me,  salty water filled my lungs, and burned all the cuts and burns I had gotten throughout this horrifying journey.

 I fought to reach the surface to break for air only to have a missile with a strange fin on it land in the water next to me and fly towards a large ship I see with lots of navy men. I saw the American flag flying proudly and the men running towards the airplanes firing their guns, not running away. I began to swim as hard as I could to get to the shore but gun spray from the loud low flying planes shoves me back under water. I saw lots of other people swimming as hard as they could in the water in different directions, others running on the shore and bodies scattered everywhere but they were not moving at all. The water was polluted with debris, oil, and blood. A fast moving Japanese bomber comes around and releases a bomb directly in my direction. The bomb read Tora, Tora, Tora and as it descended I dove down into the water as deep as I could to avoid being hit. The bomb entered the water above me and went directly into a ship that I did not know was right behind me. As the ship quickly was sinking I saw U.S.S. Arizona on the side, navy soldiers trying to escape and the ones who had escaped  fighting to try to get the others out. Fire broke out on top of the water due to the oil streaked all through the harbor.  I could not find a place to come up for air. The world started going dark around me, and I knew if I didn’t get air soon I was going to pass out and I would drown. My lungs began to burn, my mouth fighting to open and swallow in gallons of the tainted water just to try to get any air. There was no choice but for me to try to get through the fire and oil and blood if I was going to survive. I swam with all my might avoiding sinking bodies, weapons, and the sprays of bullets all going around me trapping me in one area making my options very limited to carry on and get back to my family.

My Family, as I think of those I love at home a new fire ignites inside of me and I paddle my arms and leg harder than I ever have and as my face came through the water despite all the dangers and the fire I had to go through to get there I knew it was what I had to do for my family. Instead of being burned by the fire I felt a familiar heat coursing on my skin. I open my eyes open very slowly, scared of what I shall see next or where I will end up, but I was home. I felt the beautiful sun warming my skin back up to a comfortable temperature. My clothes dry so fast it seems like they were never wet to begin with, the pain in my throat burns still and I taste the oil and blood in my mouth. I look in the direction of where I saw the strange metal ball that started my entire journey, where I saw the all those red coats before I see only my tree’s, instead of where the ground had been smashed from the force of the cannon I saw only my green grass, and where I saw the brave young boy who tried to warn me and save me I see my son.

 He is standing there in a clean, beautiful blue dress uniform and a smile so wide that his face looked like it must be in pain from smiling that much.  His pride beaming through his shiny buttons, the sun reflecting off his freshly cleaned boots, and despite the warmth inside I get seeing him so happy and feeling so proud of him, a dark chill comes over me, as I recall my journey and how it all started, Where is all started for all of us. He raises his hand up to a gentle salute of good bye and turns to walk towards his new journey. With each step he takes I see the blood trail forming behind him lined with ash, bullets, bombs, and lies.

Despite all of this, despite the history he knows and the past he has learned, his head is held high and he goes ready to do what it takes to fight for our freedom, for his country. I realized he fights for me like I fought for my family and how to get back to them and their safety. He stops and turns one last time, and I smile at him in pride thinking of all the brave boys that went before him to do what they too felt was right. They say you can learn from the past, I think that’s true, it just maybe isn’t the lesson that they all thought it was. Maybe the lesson is that despite everything we always managed to get back up and go into the next fight with no fear, no regret. The lesson is not to give up or walk away from our country but to keep fighting for it every day until it is once again the country we can be proud of and united in. I’m proud of my son everyday and never forget the journey I went on to understand the journey he must face to protect and serve all of us.  I walk inside my home to see the rest of my family and greet them all with a hug. As I hold my loved one’s tight, my daughter reaches in my pocket and pulls out a small metal necklace. She hold’s it up high “What’s this? Can I have it?” I take the dogtags into my hand, turning them over and over not believing they are real. I hug her and thank her for finding them and return outside to watch the sunset with my family and hear how their day went but keeping my shadow friends dog tags close to my heart until I could fulfill my promise of returning them to his family.

On A Wet Board *Explicit***

Wet. That’s all I kept thinking was how good it felt to be so hot and wet. The water enveloped the softest parts of skin on my body and when the wind blew I could feel a tightness come over my breast and a strange tingle crawling down my spine and around my waist. I lay back on that hard wood board and let my legs lay open one on each side letting the water lap at my bikini bottom in just the right way. I looked around to see if anyone else was out this far or could see but it felt so good I almost didn’t care if they saw or not. I pulled my bikini bottom to the side to let more water splash forcefully against me. It started to catch my breath and make my eyes flutter trying to keep them open to look for anyone who might be swimming by out this far. I let a finger slip over and slide in feeling how wet I was as far as my finger could reach.

I leaned back on the board allowing for more pressure and openness and kept my finger following the motion of the waves. A moan slips out as I feel my whole body succumbing to this sweet feeling and as I began to feel myself preparing to climax I missed seeing a wave approaching me knocking me off my board so abruptly that my hand jerking up to catch myself ripped my bottoms off and I was unable to finish that amazing feeling that was approaching just moments ago.

As I began to go towards shore I see another surfer paddling out to see if I was ok. He was very cute and I felt myself getting all tingly in places that needed satisfaction. As he climbed off his board and swam towards me I explained to this blue eyed angel that I had lost my bottoms and was not sure where they or went or how I would get on shore, mischievously he smiled and suggested we stay in the water longer. As he approached my board I didn’t move. I wanted him close and to see how close he would come to me if I wished hard enough. He put one arm on each side of me and around my board allowing me to lean against it with him keeping me trapped, a willing prisoner in his gaze. He moved in and I felt his lips brush my neck and tongue lick the salt away from my lips. His hands fumbled with his shorts as he stroked himself to get hard then I took over.

 I wanted to taste him, I used my hands to guide myself under the water and my mouth onto him sucking in as hard as I could and letting the waves guide my head this time until I knew he had to have me. I brought my head back above water and helped him find his way into me. His eyes shut and I knew I had him in my clutches. He bit my nipples hard and licked all around my breast. I wrapped my legs so tight around him there was no way he could go deeper and began rocking and moving anyway I knew would make him catch his breath and squeeze tighter onto the board trying to control his desire to release but he knew it was worth waiting as long as he could. I reached down and stroked him as he went in and out of me harder and faster my hand helping guide his way every time. Allowing him to play with both holes and go back and forth as he pleased. He went into me as deep as he could and used one hand to squeeze my ass as hard as he could then gently guide one then two fingers into me double penetrating me and causing my to squeal and move faster begging him to help me reach that point where I would squirt all over his hard cock and make him cum so hard that he would never forget me or this sexual adventure we were on out in the middle of the ocean with people along shore having no idea the ecstasy we were about to reach together.

  As the tingles rose back up in me and I heard myself moaning without control my legs shook against him and he began moaning too. We both let out sighs of relief and holding each other so tight for moments after not sure what to do.

He pulled back and looked in my eyes and said “You have had a pretty rough day, I think you deserve something special” and he went under the water. As his lips traced down my body he found that one spot with his tongue that made me scream out and dig my nails not only into him but my board. In one rush, I felt this explosion and couldn’t even open my eyes to see him swim away back towards the shore. My legs and body were exhausted but I made the trip back toward the shore and when I got there found my incredible stranger walking out to bring me a towel. When he got there he kissed my cheek and said “Maybe next time you don’t have to start yourself, if you just let somebody know” and with that he walked away back out of my life.